Mrs. Beeton’s Book of Orderly Protests

Proper etiquette for resisting tyranny

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Chapter 1: The Protester

PROTESTS MUSTN’T BE A DISRUPTION to the pleasant goings on of any peaceful society. Protesters must refrain from becoming a nuisance lest the discomfort they manufacture serve as a cause for reflection and compunction. The protester mustn’t obstruct public buildings, public parks, public roads (anything public, really), dog parks, bike lanes, brunch spots, pickleball courts, farmers markets, so and so forth. It is preferable that protesters maintain a semblance of invisibility.

GOOD TEMPER MUST BE CULTIVATED by every protester even in the face of draconian discipline meted out by The Regime. Imagine the wonder and joy experienced by the owner of the combat boot to the protester’s back or truncheon to the protester’s head when said protester meets their oppressor’s wrath with a smile and genial countenance. A protester must abide all vituperation and physical harm with decorum and aplomb. It is only through this conciliatory good nature that crimes against humanity may be redressed.

PUNCTUALITY IS NEXT TO GODLINESS, especially if a protest location has been approved by the authorities. Timely attendance of an official demonstration affords the authorities the opportunity to corral and detain protesters at their discretion. Unsanctioned demonstrations are forbidden.

AFTER LUNCHEON, A REEXAMINATION of the protest is in order. Protesting demands vigorous labor that may be detrimental to one’s constitution. If a parasol fails to defend against the elements, the protester must desist from all forms of protestation posthaste.

PROTESTS MUST NOT BE HASTILY FORMED, as an orderly protest warrants months, possibly years, of planning and management. Ideally, the standard of such a protest is nigh unreachable so that by the time said protest is poised to be carried out, the atrocity that inspired the protest will have been resolved.

THE DRESS OF THE PROTESTER must be in keeping with their status as a respectable citizen. Protesters shall forgo any article of clothing that prevents identification, including ski masks, bandanas, balaclavas, steampunk goggles, KN95 face masks, or any other face coverings worn by The Regime’s forces. Moreover, protesters may not carry placards that incite passions or provoke thought. If a placard is to be borne, may it be identifying information of the protester so as to facilitate their inevitable capture.

THE LOCATION OF A PROTEST may only be vouchsafed by the proper authorities, that is, The Regime. Protesters must obtain all the requisite permits by navigating a byzantine bureaucracy intrinsically hostile to their cause. Failing to acquire said permits, protesters may congregate in their own homes, provided they keep it down.

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