Self-Deportation May Be Right for You

Easy as one, two, flee.

Licensed via AJR Images

CBP Home app advertising copy (draft 1)

Have you ever not been American? Have you jumped through every single bureaucratic hoop in the U.S. immigration system only to find yourself still brown or black? Then self-deportation may be right for you.

With our new easy-to-use app, you can now self-deport from the comfort of your home. No more evading marauding bands of masked ICE agents. No more risking life and limb across the treacherous borderland wilds. Self-deportation is as easy as one, two, flee.

Still not convinced? How about a $1,000 sweetener? That’s right. If you sign up for self-deportation on our app today, you’ll receive $1,000. No questions asked. Well, maybe some questions. We’ll even throw in a free flight to your shithole country of choice.

Sounds too good to be true? It probably is.

We know what you’re thinking:

“Why would the U.S. government help a parasitic, criminal, blood-poisoning, illegal alien-rapist-animal like me?”

Great question. That’s how committed we are to you not being here. Plus, our detention centers are pretty full. We believe that if we work together, we can eliminate your unauthorized residency in the United States today.

You may be wondering if you’re eligible to participate in this wonderful program. Here’s our helpful eligibility checklist:

• If you have not been able to read any of this, you are eligible.

• If you’re an Ivy League student who has written an op-ed that hurt our feelings, you are eligible.

• If you’re fleeing persecution, genocide, or war, you are eligible (Just gives us the ick).

• If you’re poor, you are eligible.

• If we don’t like the cut of your jib, you are eligible.

• If we make an administrative error, you are eligible.

• If you’ve ever said or thought anything negative about this administration (What are you thinking right now???), you are eligible.

• If you have a meme of a bald JD Vance on your phone, you are eligible.

• Yes.

There’s more! By self-deporting, you may be able to reenter the United States legally at some undetermined later date, though probably definitely not.

Start your new life TODAY far, far away from here.

Restrictions apply to white South Africans, Europeans, and people with five million dollars.

Coming soon: CBP Home PLUS—for permanent residents and naturalized U.S. citizens.

Available only in English.

---