When Your Husband/Wife Sabotages Your Finances
What to do to salvage your finances (and your relationship!)
More than half of Americans (54%) consider a partner with debt cause for divorce, according to a survey from last year. It’s no secret that financial pressures can cause conflict in a relationship, but when does it graduate from shared burden to sabotage?
complete betrayal
My dad drove a Lincoln Town Car for a private car company when I was growing up. Drivers essentially paid rent for the privilege of driving a car under the company banner. One night, my mom found my dad in a park near our house. He wasn’t cheating or doing drugs. He was … reading a book. My mom blew her top.
Why would she lose it over such a harmless thing? Well, he left hours earlier to go to work. Turns out he’d been faking going to work for some time, telling my mom upon returning home that work had been “slow”—justification for the, um, no money. Meanwhile, my mom covered the car rental with her multiple minimum-wage jobs. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of financial sabotage.
Psychoanalyzing my father’s motivation for this level of deception is enough fodder for a whole other post, so I’m not going to go there. The point in bringing this example up is to show what a financial dispute can do to a family. My father repeatedly lied to my mother for no justifiable reason and put the family at risk during a time we had little room for error.
In this scenario, the only way to expiate your sin is to fess up, grow up and do better. Unfortunately, he never did. For this reason (and many others), their marriage never recovered.
warning signs
How do you know if your partner is sabotaging the family’s finances? Sometimes, it’s obvious. Sometimes, it isn’t. Sometimes, it’s mean-spirited. Usually, it isn’t. Here are some hallmarks:
acting alone
When a significant other makes a decision with significant financial implications for the rest of the family without consulting the spouse/significant other.
deception/concealment
When a significant other hides poor or impulsive decisions that result in significant financial losses e.g. gambling or racking up credit card debt.
unwilling to compromise
When one ignores or flouts a significant other’s request to curb irresponsible behavior.
denial
When a significant other refuses to admit the impact their financial behaviors have had on the rest of the family.
what to do about it
Spotting the warning signs is the easy part. How do you address it? Let’s start with the don’ts (note: these only apply if your significant other has shown remorse and a desire to improve):
don’t dictate
If you’ve been the financially responsible partner, you can easily fall into the trap of unilaterally deciding what the plan is for you and your significant other. This will cause resentment and will eventually backfire.
don’t punish
There’s a good chance a significant other with a track record of poor financial choices is ashamed of their behavior. Pillorying them will only serve to alienate.
don’t micromanage
If you’ve come up with a plan together, trust your partner to follow through on their end of the plan. They need to build up their confidence. If you can’t trust them anymore, then you need to have an entirely different conversation.
What about the dos?
lead with compassion
In October of 2020, I lost my job, which took me about a year to replace. I had credit card debt from before the pandemic, which only got worse as I scrambled to find new income. My wife, Daniela, knew I was struggling. We had shared finances for the most part, but I didn’t want to burden her with credit card debt I had accumulated. She suggested pulling from our savings, which she almost singlehandedly amassed, to pay off my debt. I resisted for a while until I realized I was harming her by harming myself. The only thing keeping me from accepting help was my ego. I haven’t gotten into credit card trouble since then. She helped me without judgement or strings attached. Her generosity and compassion inspired me to be better. I owe her that.
decide together
It’s easy to fall into a pattern of recrimination when one partner is aggrieved. That may include taking the reins, but that will only encourage further secrecy and sow the seeds of future problems. Giving your partner an equal stake in the plan moving forward is key.
throw them a bone
There may be an underlying reason why your significant other made poor financial choices. Maybe it’s retail therapy. Maybe it’s a rush. Maybe it’s having something just for them. Whatever it is, earmark a little cash (within your budget, of course) for them to retain a little piece of their former indulgence, but now as part of the plan so that they don’t feel deprived or like they’re hiding. Often, it’s a feeling of deprivation coupled with shame that causes regression.